Natasha Christensen’s essay was chosen as the winning entry in the Freshman Common Reading Essay Contest. Her essay, about Adeline Yen Mah’s “Falling Leaves,” appears below; to read the runner-up essay, click here.
Falling Leaves
Natasha Christensen
Common Reading essay
I cannot now, nor will I ever be able to say that I understand what Adeline Yen Mah went through during her childhood. All I can do is see some of the similarities between her life and mine, as well as the differences, and see that we both made our ways out from the shadows to become what we know as the selves we are today.
After reading Falling Leaves, there was one profound thought in my head; I cannot believe anyone would have to grow up in such a family. In a family where you have to earn your parents love. Do as they say constantly and virtually place the power of controlling your life in their hands because it is your duty.
My family was and is completely different. There was always an abundance of love and understanding. But one thing Adeline’s story has in common with mine is how we have been perceived by our families. Adeline was seen as the one everyone else could turn to with blame on their minds because she was the tainted child. She was the child who caused the death of her mother, so everyone in her family saw her as someone less then everyone else. In my case I was seen as the one whom everyone in my family looked to, to be the one that does everything right. To be the child who does everything exactly the opposite of my brothers and sisters.
Let me explain. All my life I have lived in a “bubble,” of other people’s making, until recently. I was adopted when I was three days old into a family of eight other adopted children. Being one of the youngest, all my brothers and sisters scorn fell on my shoulders. Basically because I was seen as the spoiled little brat, in some ways I guess I would have been considered Edgar in my family. Albeit not so spoiled and mean, I hope.
In my family I was seen as the one who needed to succeed because I was the only one who really could succeed. Being adopted you come with a lot of baggage which you can’t look at your parents and say, “I got this from you.” So my brothers and sisters all have some sort of mental illness, learning disability, or both, therefore success is limited for them. They cannot go to college in the same way I can, they cannot live a normal life free from medications and hospital visits, and they cannot succeed in the world because the world has boundaries for them. But not me, I was spared from mental illness and any learning disabilities.
The most significant thing that ever happened to me was being adopted. I was denied the family I was born to but I knew I could live with and learn from the family I made with my adopted family.
From a young age seeing my older brothers and sisters get into trouble and fail, all I wanted to do was succeed. I wanted to get good grades and be involved in everything and give my parents a little pride in one of their children. By wanting this so much I earned the scorn of my brothers and sisters. They expected me to know everything and be able to do everything. They would constantly claim that because I was our parents “favorite,” I could do no wrong. I wasn’t seen as a sister to them anymore but as competition, someone who they needed to fight with for our parents love.
The strain of having to be the one who was tough enough to deal with anything began to take a toll on me by the time I was in middle school. I began to feel as if everyone needed for me to be perfect and follow the “good” path leading to future success, college, jobs, the right boyfriend. I didn’t want that. The decisions I was making weren’t for me, and I began to believe they never had been. I wasn’t getting good grades because I wanted to get the grades. I was getting them because my parents expected me to get them and my brothers and sisters needed me to show them success was possible.
I realized that that is my role in my family. I am the child my parents want to see succeed and do well because they haven’t been able to see their other children succeed and do well in the “normal” sense. Therefore I need to go to college, get a good job and be happy. I am the sister my siblings need to succeed because with their conditions they need to constantly see something normal, something real they can grasp on to and keep themselves out of the places in their minds where everything is dark and hopeless. I am their hope. If I can do it they can see that it can be done.
I feel like I am being squashed by all I carry on my shoulders to keep the people I love happy. But because I am keeping the people I love happy, I continue to carry the load. Adeline only wanted her family to be happy, she wanted them to love her and because of this she carried their load and kept the family secrets.
But, not to be confused with the Yen family, my family had an overabundance of love and still does. There has never been a day in my life where I didn’t say, “I love you,” to my parents or my siblings constantly. We end each argument with the words, each phone call, each meeting. My family has always been a safe haven for me but it hasn’t always been my entire family.
Adeline moved away from her family when she realized she needed to find herself. She moved away and began a journey that would take her to her new family, her husband and one day their children. She also solidified her independence by looking after some of her family who’d been disowned in the past. Her family had begun to break apart as her loved ones died and her stepmother established more power over the family.
My family began to break apart when my siblings mental illness. Accusations began to fly back and forth. Their way of getting attention was to take someone to court or break the law. They began to lie, cheat and hurt their family. I began to hate them. I didn’t like seeing our family broken apart. I didn’t like not being able to trust the people I loved. Regardless of our differences we were and are family and I love them. I didn’t want to see them change into people I couldn’t recognize anymore. But I couldn’t stop it.
When the lies became too much to handle I wanted to run away I wanted to get away from everything. In 1997, I felt I couldn’t take it anymore. I retreated into myself because I knew it was the only place I couldn’t be hurt. I had perfected the ability to do so over the years as illness began to control my siblings’ behavior. I retreated from the world. I began to dress in all dark colors, became anti-social, basically hated everyone and didn’t want to deal with my life. Looking back I realize I did these things for a number of reasons. My own desire to get away from a situation out of my control, the fact I didn’t want to be approachable because then people would ask me questions about my family situation and I wouldn’t know how to explain, the fact that it was the last thing anyone expected. I was sick of doing the expected, I was tired of being accessible for people to throw their garbage and blame on and then attempt to hurt. I was tired.
I made some of the toughest decisions in my life during this time. First, I turned to alcohol, which I know is a non-solution but it helped me to get away from everything if only for a moment. In some ways this was influenced by outside sources. My friends felt it was a good way to get rid of what’s bothering you, my parents would’ve been against it and at the time I really didn’t care what anyone had to say to me unless it was in agreement with something I said and it was a socially accepted rebellion. I wanted to rebel. Adeline rebelled in a different manner–by going overseas to study. I didn’t even want to do that anymore.
I loved school at one point in time. I was at the bus stop an hour early and I was always ready and anxious to learn. By the time I reached high school I’d already seen too much and been through too much to act like the rest of the people in my school. Being immature wasn’t something I wanted to be, it wasn’t something I had the luxury to be because in my life and my family we were dealing with real world situations.
I think one of the main reasons why my rebellion and consequent self-destruction went on for so long is because in society no one really wants to talk about your problems. We go around thinking that if someone smiles brightly enough, long enough then everything is ok. The fact that I felt that no one wanted to hear my problems kept me from talking to people about what was going on.
I was still drinking, getting bad grades, having a really bad attitude and generally not giving a damn what happened to me, and then my parents stepped in and sent me away. They sent me to Hawaii on a trip that was meant to get me away from my family and give me the opportunity to be around people my own age and experience something new. It was the best thing that could’ve happened to me and done in the best way. My parents love me and they didn’t want to force anything onto me. Most people in society see a “troubled child,” and assume the reasons they are doing the things they do are based on some kind of horribly traumatic thing ensuing in their family.
I know now that the trauma wasn’t dealt to me but to my brothers and sisters who’d been living a normal life until their diseases took control. I was just caught in the affects of it all. I realized in 10th grade that if I continued doing what I was doing I would end up like my siblings and waste the gifts I’d been given. I received my lesson from a family member who had passed away when I recalled one of the things he said to me. My Uncle Kurt was and is my kindred spirit and he said, “Life is a gift given to us all, it is in our hands to grasp it and see what we will become or let it slip away.” I didn’t want to let my life slip away from me. I made a promise to my beloved Uncle that I wouldn’t drink or do anything self-destructive for the reasons I’d used in the past. I would grasp my life in my hands and the results of that decision, be they good or bad, will fall on my shoulders.
While I got my life back in order I wanted to try and see if I could get my life with my brothers and sisters back in order. But the lies and hurt couldn’t be forgotten because some of my siblings had gone too far for even me to condone. People always say, “You need to forgive.” Forgiving is hard to do but it’s necessary. Forgetting is what holds people back. One can forgive all past sins but never forget them. I can never forget what my siblings put my parents and myself through.
I was adopted into a family of eight children, all from different parents, different backgrounds and different circumstances. I was adopted by two beautiful loving people and I learned from these people how to find myself through a storm. I grew up with my eight brothers and sisters and learned from them as well. From them I learned the realities of this life and I learned how brutal society can be to people who cannot control who they are.
I love my brothers and sisters but I cannot live with them all. I believe there are three different kinds of families. The one you’re born into, the one you make, and the one you keep. I couldn’t stay with the family I was born into so I had to make a family with the ones who held out a hand and offered me a home. I made a beautiful family, one who loves me for who I am, encourages me and needs me.
But in the end I have kept only parts of the family I grew up with. I have kept my parents, my younger sister and three of my brothers. The rest have been lost to me but it doesn’t mean that I have lost sight of them. Memories of childhood are with me always. Of all the laughter, love and trust between my siblings and myself. I loved them as we grew up together and I love them still.
Family stays in your heart if not in your life. Family holds you together, tears you apart, and helps you to mend. Adeline was right in using the proverb, “Falling Leaves always return to their roots.” But as most leaves fall they tend to drift away. I have lived by the same root but my leaf will fall away from it, keeping its true root close by, for I have grown.